Couples tell us how couple yoga classes, counselling and introspection helped them iron out their relationship differences.

It is a curious group that meets every third Sunday at this yoga institute. They are men and women, seeking answers for not just health issues, but also to gather insight about deeper relationship problems. The couples are from varied backgrounds – from the just-marrieds to the much-marrieds. But they have a common objective: to resolve the invariable conflicts that plague every relationship, with a little help from yoga.

“Yoga is not just about asanas, it’s a way of life. And relationships are an important part of it. The yogic philosophy equips one to approach a problem realistically,” says the director of the yoga institute, explaining the concept behind the couple yoga classes that helps couples understand one another better and save a floundering relationship.

How it works
In a class, firstly, a case history of a couple going through a rough patch is discussed and thrown open for analysis and possible solutions. This is followed by a session with expert counsellors and psychotherapists. The participants then break into individual groups, where under the guidance of a co-ordinator, a topic is discussed threadbare – finance, parenting or accepting partners’ differences. An asana session follows where the couple practises meditative techniques, relaxation and stretching postures, and finally prays together.

It doesn’t end here. Once every month, the group meets again – at one of their homes or a neutral venue, with their individual co-ordinator. Here the couple is given ‘homework’ comprising tasks aimed at questioning chinks in a relationship and steps to resolve them. They are expected to follow these steps, the success or failure of which then comes up for discussion at the next meeting. Gradually, through mutual discussions, internal questioning and group activities, they take steps to tide over their differences.

Parents’ trap
Atul and Manisha Ramchandani, married for 18 years, enjoyed good communication between them, but had different world-views especially regarding parenting. “I preferred a relaxed approach while Manisha was the disciplinarian,” says Atul. If Manisha refused the kids any freedom, they would rush to Atul who would give in. Another bone of contention was her apparent spendthrift nature and inability to bond with in-laws.

The issues could have escalated but they decided to take up yoga together. “Yoga helped me relax and when the mind is calm, chances of conflicts get reduced,” says Atul.

Sharing their experiences with like-minded people and listening to others’ problems prompted them to look inwards. “I remember talking to a young guy who praised his wife a lot. I wondered if I was appreciating my wife enough,” he adds. “Gradually, I became more sensitive towards.” This new-found maturity also reflected in other spheres, notably in their interaction with their kids. “We made a conscious effort not to fight in the presence of children, unlike earlier. Also we learnt to give in, leave our egos behind and give each other space,” says Manisha.

Money matters
Having a long marriage doesn’t necessarily equip you to understand its complexities say Anand Rao and Mita, his wife of 32 years. The biggest blow to the relationship came when Anand suffered a huge financial crisis. It could have snowballed into something major, but yoga sessions helped them bond better. “Earlier I would have held him responsible for the situation. But then I decided to be supportive at a time when he needed it the most,” says Mita. “Our relationship was always good, but now we injected a dose of spirituality which helped us look at problems differently.” The couple say they’ve understood the meaning of marriage. “A successful relationship is about giving, not just taking,” says Anand.

Small is big
It is the smallest things that can lead to the biggest fights, realised Sharad and Priyamvada Waghmare, also one of the earliest co-ordinators of the couple yoga classes. She was the quintessential cosmopolitan girl while he came from a fairly conservative background. “Before marriage, I sported western outfits and it was never an issue, but after marriage I was strictly told to wear only sarees. Plus, every habit – from stepping into the kitchen to cooking to attitudes towards each other was different in his house,” says Priyamvada. Initially, these issues caused a strain, but the Waghmares used simple gestures to resolve problems. “For instance, if there was some argument at the dinner table, he would nudge me slightly or indicate through body language that he supported me. Such small gestures mattered hugely,” she adds. “I also learnt a lot from others’ experiences,” says Sharad. “I understood that helping my wife in the kitchen, taking care of household matters – which I ignored earlier – meant a lot to my wife.” The couples have learnt an important lesson for a happy marriage: Whether you attend forums or go for counselling, remember that the lessons are for yourself, not your spouse. So change yourself first!

(As told to Lekha Menon)

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